No need for a rematch, Evans won the war by taking the fight to the only place that matters…WIKIWORLD.
Looks like the card was star studded after all.
To be fair, most people would have lost to him.
Him? Maybe not.
If we’ve learnt anything from the above, it’s that we now know why it’s been so long since the last JT record.
Last Sunday, you experienced a Martin Ives shaped hole as there was no SBS column. There’s a reason for that. I was made a promise for an interview that never actually came to fruition.
This week however, there’s nothing to hold me back – I’m gonna write about this week’s Ultimate Fighter… Except I can’t because, for the third week in a row, Sky + didn’t catch the ending. This week, not only did it miss the final ‘sudden death’ round, but it also missed next week’s picks. Last week, it stopped recording just as Dominick Cruz put Faber on the spot and asked him to pick with tragic comedy timing. As it turns out, the UK fans who recorded it never saw the cowardice of Uriah’s alpha males live.
Let’s look at our options – we can stay up until 3am and watch it? Not me I’m afraid, about 6 weeks ago I suffered kidney failure and have to undergo a 9 hour dialysis session every night. I could visit a website and try to get caught up with the action? I only subscirbe to ESPN for the UFC – I couldn’t care less about football or any other poncy team sport they choose to put on. I know some of you choose to watch MMA online, but frankly I’m a man in my 30s – I use the internet to write these bullshit columns, stalk women on Facebook and to access niche pornography from Eastern Europe.
The other option is to have a whinge at ESPN. Which having had a cursory glance over their UK Facebook, some of you have done. One bright spark has defended ESPN and blamed the customer. “It’s a live event so it might overrun” – he then goes on to explain that you can re-program your recording equipment. Sounds like a lot of sodding about!
So, as an experiment, for the past few weeks I’ve Sky +’d Monday Night Raw. Boo hiss wrasslin’ etc. But it actually has a lot in common with The Ultimate Fighter. In the US it is live, and is broadcast on network TV. As they are keen to push down the viewer’s throats “WWE Raw is the longest running episodic TV programme on Network TV”. It recorded it all, despite it running longer than their allotted 120 minutes. You know why? Because they plan for it to overrun, just the same as FX plans for the Ultimate Fighter to overrun. Except ESPN haven’t allowed for that.
In the US, TV is measured by Nielsen ratings. This information is collected every hour, on the hour. Why do programmes in the States overrun? Ratings! For arguments sake, The Ultimate Fighter runs from 8pm-9pm on FX. If it actually goes 8.00pm to 9.04pm it will get two lots of ratings from Nielsen. Then the network can manipulate this and choose whichever ones are the best to quote to advertisers, in an effort to get more lucrative advertising. Zuffa can also announce the best ones to inflate the popularity of the show. Sadly, us Brits are the business end of the shaft.
Generally ESPN are quite good, their UFC podcast is pretty good (despite the resident UFC apologist Gareth ‘A’ Davies) though I remember I couldn’t watch Shields vs GSP live, and Sky + cut off at the end of the third round, just as GSP said he couldn’t see. I was so angry I pulled down a tree with my bare hands in the garden. A lot can happen in the latter stages of a fight, Dan Hardy could gift Chris Lytle a win or something. Imagine watching Sonnen vs Silva and it didn’t record the last round. Imagine! You’d be walking around today calling Chael the People’s Champion with absolute conviction. Couple that with the inconvinience of a total internet blackout that most fans go through when they can’t watch an event live.
Your mission, British MMA fans is to do what us Brits do best – complain! You pay for ESPN, make them aware that this shoddy service isn’t on. If they cut off time added on for a football match they’d be in the shit – don’t be marginalised, demand better!
They say all is fair in love and war, Martin Ives isn’t so sure. Here he examines the growing controversy from Friday’s Cage Warriors Fighting Championship in Dubai.
Sad to say the global MMA spotlight has been thrown onto the UK organisation Cage Warrior Fighting Championships for the wrong reasons this weekend. The successful UK promotion was hosting a Fight Night even in Dubai, and as part of a women’s tournament Sheila ‘The German Tank’ Gaff fought Jennifer Maia. The video for which is below.
What has got viewers hot under the collar is the apparent unsportsmanlike conduct of Gaff, who rather than touch gloves with Maia, steamed right in and KO’d her opponent quick smart. This has ignited the ‘protect yourself at all times’ debate that has been simmering for as long as people punching eachother has been entertainment. Gaff historically has been one of those hyper aggressive fighters, with many quick KO victories on her resumé. However, as the photo at the top suggests, Gaff was going to touch gloves with Maia, but instead, when they got a bit closer, decided to stick it on her instead.
2012 has been a dark year for women’s MMA, starting with Cyborg Santos getting caught juicing, then the suggestion that Rhonda Rousey in her Strikeforce Bantamweight title bout with Miesha Tate allowed a real life dislike for Tate cloud her judgement, and to hold onto an armbar a little too long. With the sport of MMA growing in popularity, mainstream scrutiny is inevitably increasing. Rightly or wrongly, women’s MMA is facing even more critical attention.
The question is, where do you stand on this prickly topic? Win at all costs? Or embrace the spirit of competition? If you look to the unified rulebook, Gaff was under no obligation to touch gloves with Maia, but this courtesy has been commonplace for years. It humanises our beloved bloodsport doesn’t it?
In America they call it a roast, but here in Great Britain we call it a ‘Full English’ – so Martin Ives has done a fry-up on Knee favourite Luc Lamude…
It’s been quite a dull week on the MMA front hasn’t it? Zuffa pinched my idea of an all heavyweight card, Dan Hardy is on the comeback trail on the undercard of that one. An otherwise quiet week was brightened up by a visit to Cage Fighting Championship last night to see Luc Lamude win again, which was a real treat. Apart from their fondness for mismatches (10 and 12 second finishes) the other highlight was in the charity auction in the interval, the only unsold item was a “Chic” Congo signed photograph. Tempted isn’t the word! However, the man of the moment is our boy Luc Lamude, so we are delighted to present 25 Lamude facts! Press play on the video, soak up his walk-in music and let these facts digest…
1. Although primarily known for being a submission fighter, 66.6% of Luc’s victories have come via TKO.
2. Luc’s favourite Star Wars film is The Phantom Menace.
3. Luc can eat 4x Shredded Wheat in one sitting.
4. The Alan Partridge episode ‘To Kill A Mocking Alan’ was based upon a true event in Luc’s life.
5. Luc can complete Street Fighter Turbo on the hardest setting with Chun-Li.
6. The CFC ring announcer has never pronounced Luc’s surname correctly.
7. One of Luc’s favourite bands is The Chariot. Unfortunately he could not see them at their last London performance because of training, and instead executed an emo child at home.
8. Luc has an all-over tan.
9. Luc’s favourite breed of dog is the German shepherd.
10. Luc describes his own fighting style as ‘pure stack’.
11. Luc ‘likes’ Josh Koscheck on Facebook.
12. 100% of Luc’s wins have come in round one.
13. Luc’s favourite mythical meat is unicorn.
14. Luc has been approached on four occassions to appear in pornographic movies.
15. If Luc was born a girl, his parents would have called him Louise.
16. Luc had tickets to the Michael Jackson ‘This Is It’ tour.
17. Luc passed his driving test first time.
18. Luc can do over 100 ‘YES’ push ups.
19. Luc’s favourite WWF wrestler is Goldust.
20. Luc has “lost count” the amount of times he has seen the Lethal Weapon quadrilogy.
21. Luc will not reveal the secret behind his luscious locks.
22. As well as collectings wins, Luc also collects playing cards.
23. Luc’s ideal roast dinner is beef.
24. Luc has never lost a fight in a month with the letter Y in it.
25. Luc dresses exclusively to the left.
Been a bit busy? Martin Ives has condensed the week in MMA into this ‘party size’ portion.
Just to set the agenda for today, one of my favourite Knee contributors, Mr Stu Furay, is fighting tonight. What I like about him is his no nonsense style – and that’s across the board, his writing, training and fighting style. He takes it all in his stride and matter of factly drops bombs. Win, lose or draw, we have it on good authority that a chicken of Kentucky extraction will be sacrificed. G’wan Stu – smash their fuckin’ mooey in!
So, the Ultimate Fighter is back. And the change in format has done it a world of good. The first episode had a gladitorial feel to it didn’t it? Fast turnover of combatants, in and out of the octagon. That BJJ guy in about bout #3 looked tasty. A few things struck me, firstly, the worrying trend for having your surname tattooed across your shoulders – is this the new sick tribal? Yikes! Also Cruz‘s lack of personality making Faber look better. I know Faber is the money man as far as the little ‘uns go, but seriously! It was nice that we got it live in the UK, though ESPN really need to let people know sooner. 2 days notice was it? Also, in the US, they’re fond of an overrun, whereby the viewing figures get a boost by finishing 5-10 minutes after the hour, as the ratings are calculated every hour on the hour. Sky + cuts off unless the channel tells it this is a possibility. Minor quibbles when you consider how badly treated the average Brit has been treated previously when trying to consume TUF.
Busy week in fight announcements for the big lads, I wonder if they’re tempted to do a whole card of heavyweights? Bigfoot vs Nelson has the oddity factor, and doesn’t pique my interest in the slightest. Cain vs Murrr is supposedly a title eliminator, and it should be a treat. Murrr is historically a slow starter, whereas Cain is like a Tasmanian devil from the outset. If they could slap a Pat Barry vs Mark Hunt on the same card, then we’d be in heavyweight hog heaven.
Also announced this week, Diet Nog has pulled out of the Swedish card to be replaced by a returning Thiago ‘Moose Piss’ Silva. I think it’s time for both Nogueira‘s to turn it in I reckon… What say you?
Hi, I'm Danny and I just love to...
Mr Brendan Rowe saw the line up for the new TUF season and one man took his eye…
A few years back, one of boxing’s many mush-mouthed fighters compared MMA to gay porn. Now, a certain Dakota Cochrane was picked up for the new season of The Ultimate Fighter. How does this matter, might you ask? Well, Dakota performed in sixteen pornographic videos under the pseudonym of “Danny” while he was in college. I do kind of have a problem with this… he certainly could have used a better name than Danny. What about Dicky Hard? Private Hardon? Buster Bendover? Freddie Long Schlong? I can understand the gay for pay phenomenon, but the lack of a decent nickname just irks the living shit out of me and makes me fear what his eventual fighting nickname would be. He might just recycle “Danny.”
I distinctly remember Big Nog saying he wouldn’t grapple with a homosexual, who caused the UFC’s resident mouthpiece to say that, in no way is the UFC an anti-homosexual organization. What White failed to consider is his fighters, most of whom are typically Christian, might think otherwise. He also failed to consider that his viewers, most of which are Bro-Magnon, would understand fully the “MMA is gay porn” analogy. Then they’d giggle at ANALogy, but that’s another story.
Of course, the knowledge of his former career might be enough for some serious psychological warfare against any unspoken bigots he could be matched up against. Imagine him whispering “how about a body massage” into the ear of whomever’s back he just took, or winking at someone from open guard.
If anything, he should take a page from Sacha Baron Cohen and call himself “Straight Dave”.
With the inenvitability of some dumb white boy skipping down to the cage to Eminem, so it has come to pass that the Knee’s most popular long form writer, Mr Martin Ives has returned…
Where has he been been? On holiday? Not on your nelly, it’d take a lot more more than an all inclusive bronzeathon to keep him away from spouting his ill-informed, barely literate opinions. Nope, Ives has been battling a potentially life threatening illness. A side effect of which appears to be writing in the third person (another more favourable one appears to be that my flaccid penis has grown around an inch!)… BETTER – So, basically I’ve been pretty ill, I’m not better, but I could be worse. One of the bad things is that I will no longer be able to take in the action live anymore. But, by being removed from frontline action, it means that I can apply a cold, calculated ‘cold light of morning’ gravitas to my new ‘SBS’ column. My succinct intro isn’t that succinct anymore either…
Now, while I was off, our dear friend Jonny Saville had his second semi-pro MMA bout. The video of the fight is above. Well worth a watch for the commentary alone, because of the open hostility they show towards his oppenent. He’s a star in the making, if Danny Dyer ever made ‘Britain’s Naughtiest Losers’ or something. As it stands, he’s just a lad with silly hair and a bad attitude…
Another thing that got me thinking was Sav’s nickname. When I spoke to him, I decided his in-ring moniker should be ‘Handsome‘, but according to the announcer, he’s called ‘The Cuban‘. There are worse nicknames, and this has enough of the ‘what?’ factor to give it legs. Then there was the UFC paperweight tournament this weekend – ‘Uncle Creepy‘ vs ‘Mighty Mouse‘ – ironic really, as the pace of the action was cartoonlike. Shit nicknames though.
The best nicknames have that ‘WTF?!’ factor about them, that strike fear into your opponents’ heart – we’re talking ‘The Axe Murderer‘, ‘The Iceman‘. But trying not to stray too far into the ‘Warmachine‘ territory.
Unfortunately, you have to be accepting of your nickname, rather than just making up your own. Rory MacDonald, to me, had a lot more credibility as ‘The Waterboy‘ even though it was a clunker of a name, than ‘Aries‘ which he came up with himself, and makes me think he’s a massive bellend. With that in mind, here’s some suggestion for some fighters who are in need of nicknames. Maybe some of these will stick?
Nick ‘Fucking‘ Diaz - this is a bit of a no brainer. Look at a photo of the man for long enough and it is the only word that springs to mind.
Cain ‘Serious‘ Velasquez – employing the Diaz method of naming, you either get that or ‘Dull’. The former is marginally more marketable.
Jon ‘The Gay‘ Fitch – I know it’s pretty low to hate on a man at his lowest ebb, but if ever there was a time to act to stop the rot… Your dogs no longer run to meet you when you come home from training. One of your best friends is Josh Koscheck. Now is the time to go for broke. If he repositioned himself as a active homosexual, the sky would be the limit! Imagine how psyched out your opponent would be if they thought your gameplan was sexual gratification rather than previously thinking your style was about manfully imposing your will. Wear a feather boa and a leather cap down to the cage.
Get the idea? Now you have a go!
Proof that putting in the hours pays dividends in the cage.
And the pay off…
The Brits took to the Wikis to make their displeasure known. Starting with the direct…(as ever, click to enlarge)
…and then the childish.
It wasn’t all one way traffic. This obscure work of genius reminds of Spinal Tap and that can never be a bad thing.
Who was that guy Mike Russow beat? Oh, he’s just…
And if you were in any doubt about what last night was REALLY all about:
Calf Slicer, baby.
What’s better than one set of ill-informed, biased predictions for UFC on Fox 2? Three of them! The holy trinity – Slice / Duff / Ives. Take it away fellas!
Leading the charge, under the cover of darkness, our resident night owl, Dave Duff.
Just to keep you all guessing, our usual tail gunner, Jimbo Slice, is in at #2.
